|Dual 1237 Turntable, DJ Setup|
Sometimes, we need to reach into the past in order to move forward. I had been ill for a few years and things real weren't looking good for me. Minimal improvements and lingering symptoms of depression that accompanies major illness take their toll.
Even when you become "better" it is very hard to shake the oppressiveness of chronic pain and come back to life again once new parameters have been set by your "new and improved" body.
As I told many people, 'How do you survive something you weren't expected too?' What brings you back into the mainstream of small things being foremost and mortality put back on the shelf? How do you live when you were expected to die?
You'd be surprised how many people who had helped me through my health crisis could no longer be around me since they had already written me off. Sadly, this is an inappropriate way to deal with someone being chronically ill, but it happens and I am left with few friends who are ready for me to resume my former position in life.
This meant I had to create something new of myself, something that was new, yet familiar.
As I stumbled along with daily symptoms of anxiety, depression and the feeling that the parade had passed me by and turned the corner down the street, I became involved in a live broadcasting site where you could be a music DJ and broadcast a show from your home into the insubstantial internet. I began to watch a live broadcast hosted by a young man named Digital Dave.
|Digital Dave On Vaughnlive|
He is a likable personage who plays endless hours of Rock and Roll to a small, yet knowledgeable audience. As I spent countless hours in my zero gravity chair learning to things for myself again I would listen to his Cast and little by little a sense of enjoyment began to grow in me for my old collection of music.
He especially shared his love of old vinyl records, of which I had plenty of in storage. When things look darkest for me, I actually had Doyle go and get my records out of storage where they have languished for decades. No matter where I went or what I did, the albums followed me, even if I did not play them.
When I was a teenager, my parents had become very unstable, and in their wisdom they decided to cut their losses and leave me behind after a short lifetime of extreme abuse to my person. They threw me to the wolves thinking they could outrun their past by doing so.
|The Wanderer LIVE LOL|
I ended up with a family many miles away in urban Minneapolis, MN as a Nanny. I would spend all my income, since my needs were met, on record albums. They were my only comfort in a world that had no gravity or air. Music took me places where no one could touch me. A place where there was a chance of survival regardless of ones past.
Fast forward to the day my DH brought home my albums from storage and I took each album out of it's rubbermaid container and hugged them. This was solid. This is what I had been through before. Cast adrift once again with no logical chance of survival, I found solidity in the fact that I had been lost before, and yet I survived to have a better life.
|Do not make eye contact with the chicken|
Because of this small, yet vital lifeline I began to believe in myself again and the depression began to slowly lift to manageable levels where I could physically function again. I began going to the store with the car stereo blasting full out. I began going for walks again with my ipod and feeling unafraid.
The real breakthrough came when I actually bought a used record turntable and did my own live cast. Afterwards I experienced, for the first time since my illness, something akin to happiness. I felt 'normal' again. I had purpose.
If you are in my position, and I'm sure many of you out there are since we all seem to be of a certain age and generation, reach back to your past and find something you can pull forward to today to get you back on your feet. Surely, at some point in your life you were in a situation that looked grim and yet, somehow you survived and became the person you are today.
Find that situation. Reach out to that person. Bring yourself back to life.